Muck Spreading

Southern Water have been providing good customer services - I just hope I will feel this kindly about them when we go on to metered water payments.  

Yesterday morning, when I went out to walk the dog, I noticed a horse manure like smell.  The previous day I had walked the dog in Bluebell Hill - which just about counts as countryside and noticed a few horses.  Even though I had no recollection of stepping in horse manure, let alone traipsing it the 3 miles home and bringing it into the house, I first checked my shoes.  I'm Catholic. We are trained from an early age to believe that anything wrong in the world is our own fault first.  

Having established that I wasn't carrying around a bucket load of manure in the soles of my shoes, I carried on with the walk.  The smell was everywhere and getting stronger.  I spoke with one of the other dog-walkers who said he thought they might be muck-spreading somewhere, or they may have brought in a load of manure to the allotments.  I couldn't think of a farm big enough close by that would need sufficient manure to make the smell as all pervading as it was.  The allotments were near, but I had just walked past there and only two people were out tending their allotments.  Allotment owners are fairly predictable bunch and they do like a bit of manure.  Had they just received a truck-load of manure they would all be round it like ... well like flies round horse manure.   

I came home, sniffing the air like a bloodhound, trying to determine whether it was horse manure or something less plant friendly, such as human sewage.  I took to Twitter to see if there was any information on there.  There was, as ever, lots of information on there.  Some of it funny, some of it bitter and twisted, much of it political but none of it concerned a local sewage leak.  It was a Sunday, I couldn't imagine the council being there, so I posted a message on Twitter to ask if anyone else knew.  Nobody did, which is surprising, Twitter is generally the 'go to' place for muck spreading.  

The smell came and went for the next couple of hours, but it wasn't particularly strong.  Finally it went completely.  It is also possible that I became so used to the stench I stopped noticing it.  I have noticed the same resolution with the dog's wind and modern government, it gets so bad for so much of the time, you just accept it as the norm.  Eventually someone helpfully tweeted that there had been a problem on Star Hill earlier.  Whatever the problem was, it seemed to have been resolved.

This morning I was up before 7, pottering about.  I made tea, fed the dog and opened the back door to let him into the garden.  20 minutes later I noticed the odour was back with a vengeance and I now seriously doubted it was manure.  I called the council's emergency line.  I was advised, helpfully, that it was nothing to do with the council and to call Southern Water.  I suggested that if there was a sewage leak somewhere so bad it was detectable for about a mile, it may be in the council's interest to take over resolution.  i.e. call an emergency contact at Southern Water and make sure it was being resolved immediately.  But no - it isn't. 

I went online and found Southern Water's 'emergency contact' number.  I was immediately put through to a recorded message.  I wondered what kind of emergency would have to occur for Southern Water to put people straight through to an actual person.   I made my selection - I chose 'potential sewage leak' because 'pissed off resident' wasn't offered, and to be fair to Southern Water, that was the most useful option to get the problem resolved.   I spoke with a Southern Water employee who I imagined to be horizontal, he was so laid back.  He was also a little annoying, which I suspect wasn't his fault, he was clearly reading from a script - and reading from it quite slowly.  

I relayed the issue to the Southern Water emergency help desk.  I was very clear that the smell had been here yesterday, was back today, was possibly located on Star Hill and was detectable from some distance away.  He asked if the smell was located inside my house or outside.  I confirmed that it was outside, my two up, two down house not being large enough to contain Star Hill.  He said he would log it for me and see if he could get someone to resolve it for me.  For me? Why just for me, why not for everyone?  Someone would tell someone, and someone would be out within 24 hours.  He did note that there had been a recent problem in my area.  There have been lots of recent problems in my area, so he could have meant one of the regular scuffles outside the kebab shop for all I knew, but I just shut up (amazingly) and hoped he was referring to the source of the smell.  

Being me, 24 hours response time wasn't good enough.  Being Southern Water, they have a script and a contract with engineers - in this case Clancy Docwra.  The contract no doubt will stipulate Clancy Docwra have 24 hours to respond.  I understand that.  However, wouldn't it be better customer service to say, particularly when the problem may be sewage and the caller is menopausal, 'as soon as we can'.  I  suppose they have to manage expectations, but I quite like a vague 'as soon as' rather than letting my imagination run riot at the thought of sewage running down the road for an entire day.  He did, however, offer to get someone to call me to say when a team was on the way.  He ended by assuring me again that they were going to 'set up an investigation for you to get this resolved'.  Again ... for me!  Am I going to look at my next ridiculously high water bill and look back with kindness on all Southern Water do .... for me and pay with gratitude. Or will I follow my usual route,swear, chuck the bill in the drawer and wonder what kind of car for the CEO my water bill is buying. 

Clancy Docwra called 35 minutes later to say a team were on their way.  I have reported, Southern Water have called someone to call someone to send a team within the hour to resolve the issue, which is a pretty impressive response time.  I was expecting days of dithering, phone calls and 'it's a big job, we'll have to wait for Messrs Bolt and Wilkins to come from Trumpton".  The plumber from Clancy Docwra knocked on the door before 9 to say he had checked and there were no sewage leaks he could find.  He said the smell was everywhere and would most likely be muck-spreading. He was lovely - incredibly helpful and reassuring.  

I can now venture out in the odour and walk the dog, thanks to the lovely man from Clancy Docwra.  I would have liked Southern Water to have had a bit more about them when taking the details and a bit less of the inference that they would look into it 'for you'.  However I will put up with horizontal customer services because it is clearly effective customer services.   

Now, who can I call to get my water bill a bit lower?