Apostrophe Catastrophe

Before I start, I do realise that my blog titles are cheesy. I kid myself they are just working titles until I can think of something less cheesy and more apt, but like the now bare, unsanded floorboards in my dining room, they will stay that way for a very long time. 

A young friend shared  an update on Facebook which had been posted by her local pub, who were advertising their wildly entertaining bank holiday weekend plans.  (My Facebook connections are not 600 people I met once, but family and friends.  My family is now reaching the proportions of a small army, so Facebook is a good way to keep in touch regularly without making a hundred phone calls a fortnight.).  Reading the post made me realise just how middle-aged I have become.  I didn't think 'That looks great, I must get a ticket'.  I didn't think 'That will be so much fun for the young people, how I envy them their youth, vitality and lack of obsession with grammar'.  No, I thought "Look at the spelling and grammar on that!  Where do they recruit these people? What do they teach them in school these days?".  

The first crime punishable by detention was  poor spelling.  The pub will be featuring an "Adelle Tribute" and a "hommage to Zoo".  I am nearly 50, I might think of zoos as only an unnecessary evil in a post-Attenborough world, but even I know the woman's name is Adele. The tribute act is possibly called "Adelle", in which case she isn't an Adelle Tribute, she (or he ... who am I to judge?) is Adelle, the Adele Tribute.  I blame compact discs and MP3 players for this.  With good, old-fashioned vinyl albums, the covers were often a work of art and even when quite plain you would study the cover for hours whilst listening to your idol's music.  A scrap of paper in a plastic case and miniscule writing on your android phone just don't have the same attraction, so is it any wonder nobody can spell popstar's names?  As for 'hommage', it offends the eye.  There is, I was surprised to discover, some debate on the subject of 'homage' versus 'hommage'.  Some would maintain that there is a subtle difference between the two and some hold that 'hommage' is merely an affectation - as in this grammar blog.  I would tend to agree with it being an affectation, where the writer deliberately uses 'hommage'.  In spoken language, where the speaker goes out of their way to pronounce the word in a French accent, it is an affectation for which the only fitting punishment should be a good pelting with rotten onions.  'Homage' has been in use in the English language for centuries, I think by now we can safely say it with our own accent.   In many cases, however, I suspect it is just poor spelling and, judgmental harridan that I am, have presumed that is the case here. If the author of the pub's Facebook page can't put an 's' at the end of a word without sprinkling in apostrophes, I suspect subtle differences of homage are beyond them.  

The poor use of apostrophes hurt me more than the spelling.  To be fair, there are no further misspellings than those noted above - a mere 4% of the total message.  Apostrophes were added to conjugated verbs with abandon, i.e. "bring's" and "see's".  I took heart that "it's" was used correctly, but even that could be just luck.  Although I appreciate the attempt to maintain use of apostrophes, how hard can it be to use them correctly?  Are you indicating the possessive?  Are there any letters missing?  If not - don't use a sodding apostrophe.  How can people master complex android phones and play innumerable computer games, but not manage to grasp whether or not to use an apostrophe when putting an 's' at the end of a word?  Possibly because they rarely write anything longer than a text message or a Facebook update. 

I don't have children - which is fortunate for all, given my lack of patience.  I therefore don't know if English grammar is even still on the syllabus.  I went to a state school and not a particularly good state school at that, but English grammar was hammered into us.  Not in the same way Classical Studies was hammered into us, Mr Senior, to my knowledge, never used corporal punishment on any pupil.  We were also marked down for poor English in marked work in all other subjects.  Yes we should allow for diversity, differing abilities and greater choices, but please can we do that and teach grammar as well?   As for the original post which inspired my middle-aged rant, I don't even want to think about why 'Large' should have a capital letter and 'ibizan' shouldn't.  The Broca's area of my brain may actually explode, should I dwell on grammar any longer.  I clearly need to get out more, but possibly not to chain pubs. 

For those of you who are more tolerant, at a loose end in Surrey next weekend, young enough to enjoy crowded bars, pounding music, tributes to bands I have never heard of, vast quantities of alcohol and random use of apostrophes, pop down to the Slug and Lettuce in Epsom.  Apparently, it's going to be Large! 

Footnote - courtesy of Twitter, I have now listened to a few points by Stephen Fry on the subject (link to audio clip is here).  According to him, I am a poorly educated pedant, which is most likely true.  However I still would rather apostrophes weren't used at all than were chucked around meaninglessly.