At the moment I find everywhere except the beach a bit claustrophobic. I feel the need to be in large, open spaces. The man who runs the local hardware store suggested that I need to do yoga or take up cycling to relax (he's very chatty and I am easily sidetracked), but I prefer to just swim. It isn't quite as relaxing as I would like it to be, as my sea-swimming mantra of 'there are no sharks here' has to keep running in my head whilst I swim. I went to Herne Bay the other week and had a lovely day sitting on the beach and paddling in the sea. The tide was so far out I would have been halfway to Southend by the time it was deep enough to swim. As I was only wading rather than swimming I therefore didn't feel the need for the shark mantra - and then got home to hear the news that there had been shark in Herne Bay that day!!! No wonder the beach was so empty, but this does prove beyond all reasonable doubt that my shark mantra works, so in future I shall always stick to it.
I have even started to get a bit claustrophobic on the motorway. I think it is because of all the lights. Do we actually need our motorways lit up like the pharmacy aisle at the supermarket? I am convinced they have spotlights in supermarkets on anything embarrassing you may wish to buy. I was once worried I had head lice (I didn't), but buying a nit comb was an act of torture. I felt as if I spotlight was following me round Sainsburys. I just hope I never get thrush, I'd have to wear a blackout suit and sun glasses to avoid that glare.
How easily I digress, back to hippiedom. I need a beach I can get to without using a motorway or sitting in traffic, which means I need to live at the beach. For this to be viable, I also need to work at the beach, but haven't quite worked out what I would work at. I recently saw a woman selling knitted stuffed fish at the beach. I am not too sure that is a craze that will take off.
I could be a beach inspector maybe, if they gave me a taser gun. I can feel my hippy credentials slipping slightly here, but I am quite short, so I would need assistance in dealing with any anti-social behaviour. When it is sunny everyone is much happier, so hopefully there will be less anti-social behaviour on the beach. This also means I have to avoid any resorts renowned for hen and stag nights. There are two reasons for this, I am unlikely to get a taser gun and I would also be far too tempted to track down the prospective bride or groom and talk them out of a potential mistake.
I could be a beach inspector maybe, if they gave me a taser gun. I can feel my hippy credentials slipping slightly here, but I am quite short, so I would need assistance in dealing with any anti-social behaviour. When it is sunny everyone is much happier, so hopefully there will be less anti-social behaviour on the beach. This also means I have to avoid any resorts renowned for hen and stag nights. There are two reasons for this, I am unlikely to get a taser gun and I would also be far too tempted to track down the prospective bride or groom and talk them out of a potential mistake.
I could write a self-help manual. I have read enough to know that they rarely work, but at I have also read enough to learn all the self-improvement, taking control, own your own life bull sufficiently to regurgitate it for the next bunch of suckers. After the self-help manual, I could write a guide to divorce for all the couples who ignored my advice and went through with the wedding anyway, only to discover that the best part of it was all the partying before the wedding.
Maybe if I sold my house and lived in a barge or a mobile home I wouldn't have to work at all, until all the money ran out and the mobile home/barge fell apart, but with a bit of luck and a lot of gin I would be drawing a pension by then. I am not too sure that either a barge or a mobile home would suit my newly acquired claustrophobia, therefore finding a job at or near the beach is my new year's resolution, because I didn't make any until now. I make them, I break them, so I found it less stressful to cut out the few days of misguided optimism and settled for automatically rolling all my bad habits into this year.
Dropping out is proving quite tiring, so I shall retire for the evening and continue with my plans on another day. I feel that I can afford to take this slowly, it will be more of a trickle out that a sudden drop. It wouldn't do to rush it, I just need to know that I will get there one day.
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